So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this boner is exhausting
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
