It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
