I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
