I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we're so committed to being not committed
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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