we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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