I wanna passion pit in your ass
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
