and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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