he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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