Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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