you turned your livingroom into a bong?
love makes seman taste better
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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