Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
