why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
