The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
