They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
