im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That accounts for only three of the penises
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
