We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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