My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
