I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
