Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
