I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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