Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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