Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
