Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
