I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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