me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
