Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
