Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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