awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
