It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
