Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
