Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk is not a location!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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