i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
