I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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