while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
