My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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