I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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