Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
