your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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