At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
