You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
