I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
