I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
