Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
do nipples grow back?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
