Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
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