Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
