so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
