Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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