between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
