I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
