You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We left the knife in your bed.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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