i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
